Bob's Blog: On the Path

Posted by Ryan Loomis on

Friday, 7 March 2014 - On the Path

Greetings humans,
I have been doing a lot of reading as of late, in an effort to expand my intellectual horizons and facilitate personal growth. While being armless has made turning the pages a challenge, I have managed to find a solution.
The beginning of my academics was on a material level, I have been reading the marketing advice of John Morgan, for he has some respectable ideas that I hope to incorporate at the workplace. He advocates a personal emphasis on the relationship between the vendor and the audience, as well as providing unexpected extras to customers to generate goodwill. A laudable goal, to be sure. I have combined these two ideas, to what I humbly consider to be an exemplary effect.
My 'extra' is caring advice to those who would partake in our products, which embodies a deep seated care for the health and well-being of our valued customers. For example, under the blades we proffer I have scripted some rudimentary conflict resolution steps. “Have you tried reasoning with your assailant? Perhaps a compromise would be prudent: give him half the contents of your wallet.” I have also drafted some verses to display near the punching bags for sale in the store, to whom I posses a considerable degree of loyalty. “Consider this product's feelings,” I write. “Perhaps some deep breaths will quell your frustrations more effectively?”
This brings me to my readings and development on the spiritual plane. I feel that inanimate body doubles are in need of as much guidance and support as the humans who mistreat them. It is with this in mind that I have been pursuing a spiritual education in addition an economic one. Perhaps I can be the medium to bridge the considerable gap between these two populations? For this reason I have become an ordained in The Universal Life Church.
I was so emotional upon graduation that I
could not even hold the certificate unaided.
As a soul shepherd I am struggling to find the right theological tack, to be frank. 'Punch not lest ye be punched' seems too violent and revolutionary a stance to take, while I am unsure of how to even pronounce Cthulu, so I consider those options eliminated from my preaching palate. There is certainly no shortage of options when it comes to one true path. I hope to eschew an aura of calming wisdom, professing that nobody is a punching bag, not even a punching-bag shaped like a body. Especially not a punching bag shaped like a body. Bimble and the shop visitors seem to disagree, however, choosing instead to pummel me mercilessly before I have a chance to preach my gospel from atop a mountain of odorous duffel bags.

Well, nobody said the life of a martyr was an easy one. My only lament so far is that I wish someone could be made available to lend me a hand... Or arms... Or perhaps legs.

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